In Love with a Straight Guy

Artist Andrew Moncrief's painting titled Rest at Harvest

I finally understand the hurt I caused you.

It wasn’t intentional.  I promise.

I guess I wanted to be better, wished I could learn to love you.

I can’t control my heart.  Even if it tears me in two to love him.

I must.

I could write a hundred sonnets and still not be finished describing you in perfect detail.

The words, and they are all I have, are of no consequence.

But at least they’re proof.  We will never be together.  I understand this and accept it.

How can a man who loves women be with a man who loves men?

And yet the devil is in the details.  And in the details we’re in love.

You told me so, a marriage proposal no less, though you weren’t down on one knee.

I can’t explain how the very thought of you, even thousands of miles away utterly fills me.

My molecular structure is in tune with your very name.  Conjure it and my body alights. 

I love you, I always will.  Until this flame is extinguished and I pass forward onto a new existence.  My only hope is that in that lifetime we are destined together.

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Alexander and Hephaestion

Border2Border Entertainment

We were/are/may-be Alexander and Hephaestion. I have called you by many names. Patroclus. Hephaestion. Alexander. Yes, you are Alexander too.

Just over a year ago you fell into my life. Again. Fell from the sky like an astroid that knew its target. A missile set on destruction or to jolt me awake. The jury is still out.

Speechless.

I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of you. Just like the first time. Consumed. An unholy fire. And I’ve been here before. And before. And before.

A funeral pyre. I look out the window and it burns and burns and burns. It’s so high. The highest I’ve ever seen. I wanted it to be a testament to you. To our love. To show the world that this, that we – were. I’m unsure if the smoke is stinging my eyes or if I’m simply still crying. I’m not sure that I’ll ever stop. How could I?

I lost my everything in you. My heart in all its vastness and possibilities, all its secret chambers that were for our spelunking alone is an echo chamber now. I chase around the corners trying to catch up with your voice, hoping it still lingers in a corner. Trapped in a crevice I rushed past too quickly in my flight to find you.

You can’t be gone. I’d waited my whole life – knowing you before I knew you. Each night I prayed for you, sent up gratitude for the man coming to share my life that I hadn’t encountered yet.

Which is why it can’t be over. This earthly experience can’t be so vengeful. Or can it? You’ve had your share and then some. Another reason why I’m overwhelmed when I look at you. How did you stay so good? Stardust. It’s what you’re made of and what you’ve returned to, time and time again. The celestial forge has gathered you. Sent you. Gathered you. Sent you. Gathered you.

And each gathering has compacted the essence, the learning, the empathetic and understanding heart. It’s in this Knowing that I can watch your pyre and not be engulfed.

Yes, my heart was broken. Yes.

And now when I look up into the sky and see a heavenly body plummeting, rocketing, burning up as it enters my consciousness I’m frightened. I’m just a human with a very fragile heart. How can I ever be prepared for the avalanche that is you?

How do we tell our story? How to convey something that in this incarnation was so brief? A something passing that was everything and then nothing again.

We were so young. I keep coming back to that. To my naivety. To my naivety. To your irresistible flame. To my naivety.

I have called you by many names. Patroclus. Hephaestion. Alexander. Yes, you are Alexander too.

I know you as I know myself and yet in each encounter I’m struck in awe. Awed in the vastness of your stardust that expands exponentially and beckons to be explored.

And so how do we begin a tale that has no nose and no tail? We find ourselves somewhere in the circle again with the choice to recognize its inevitability or deny it exists despite being the ones responsible for its creation. The pattern comes from us. A tapestry woven as vast as the jewelled night sky. Maybe it’s to catch each other? A net ready to safely welcome the heavenly body shuttling back home.

Xander. I’m frightened. Do I have the stamina and fortitude to encounter you again? Can we rush up this river of memory together and not be capsized? When the water is muddy.

Stand still child and it will run clear.

Family of persian king Darius before Alexander The Great and his friend Hephaestion after the Battle of Issus.  When Alexander the Great and Hephaestion (his closest friend) went together to visit the captured Persian royal family, Sisygambis knelt to Hephaestion to plead for their lives, mistaking him for Alexander — Hephaestion was the taller, and both young men were similarly dressed. When she realized her mistake, she was acutely embarrassed, but Alexander reassured her with the words, "You were not mistaken, Mother; this man too is Alexander.
Italian:  La famiglia di Dario davanti ad Alessandro
The Family of Darius before Alexander by Paolo Veronese (1570) in the National Gallery, London

When Alexander and Hephaestion went together to visit the captured Persian royal family, King Darius’s mother Sisygambis knelt to Hephaestion to plead for their lives, mistaking him for Alexander — Hephaestion was the taller, and both young men were similarly dressed. When she realized her mistake, she was acutely embarrassed, but Alexander reassured her with the words, “You were not mistaken, Mother; this man too is Alexander.

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Dating Unlocked – Audience feedback

Anisha Joshi, host of Dating Unlocked dancing against a pink background.

I’m reaching out today because we’re seeking audience feedback on the pilot episode of Dating Unlocked that my partner and I came up with on one of our drives between Toronto and Montreal.  It often happens this way – we’ll be listening to music or a podcast on the nearly 6 hour drive and then at some point start talking about TV show ideas. 

Sometimes they’re good, often they’re not or we may discover another company has just launched a very similar show.  The creative process can be challenging in that way – everyone develops their content in a relatively quiet or secretive way and then one day – bam! There’s a new show.  Because we’re all influenced by so many factors – our place in history, the news, cultural trends, music, art, a conversation overheard in line at the grocery store it’s not uncommon for very similar shows to emerge from unrelated companies in different geographical locations.  

My partner, Patrick, coming from the world of health technology and currently eyebrows deep in his PhD work has a very different perspective and experience base than yours truly.  I think that’s why we have so much fun creating show ideas together – our brains just work in very different ways.

Anisha Joshi, host of Dating Unlocked dancing with a wind fan.
Anisha Joshi, host of Dating Unlocked gets her groove on. 

On one of these drives we came up with the concept for Dating Unlocked and this year we held a casting and found a host we fell in love with (and hope you will too!), shot the pilot episode and are now seeking some feedback.  If you live in Canada, the network (OUTtv) is sharing this landing page where you can screen the episode and then fill in a short questionnaire.  WATCH IT FREE HERE in Canada.  

Before we go to series it would be great to know- what you liked, what you didn’t and how we can make it even better. If you know other people who enjoy dating shows, we invite you to share the link with them as well.

If you don’t live in Canada, and are interested to see the show, we’ve currently made it available on my storefront here.   We’ll be adding more platforms in the future and if you sign up for the newsletter we’ll be sure to let you know. 

Thanks so much, we know how busy everyone is – we appreciate your time and input.

Charlie David

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