In Love with a Straight Guy

Artist Andrew Moncrief's painting titled Rest at Harvest

I finally understand the hurt I caused you.

It wasn’t intentional.  I promise.

I guess I wanted to be better, wished I could learn to love you.

I can’t control my heart.  Even if it tears me in two to love him.

I must.

I could write a hundred sonnets and still not be finished describing you in perfect detail.

The words, and they are all I have, are of no consequence.

But at least they’re proof.  We will never be together.  I understand this and accept it.

How can a man who loves women be with a man who loves men?

And yet the devil is in the details.  And in the details we’re in love.

You told me so, a marriage proposal no less, though you weren’t down on one knee.

I can’t explain how the very thought of you, even thousands of miles away utterly fills me.

My molecular structure is in tune with your very name.  Conjure it and my body alights. 

I love you, I always will.  Until this flame is extinguished and I pass forward onto a new existence.  My only hope is that in that lifetime we are destined together.

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Alexander and Hephaestion

Border2Border Entertainment

We were/are/may-be Alexander and Hephaestion. I have called you by many names. Patroclus. Hephaestion. Alexander. Yes, you are Alexander too.

Just over a year ago you fell into my life. Again. Fell from the sky like an astroid that knew its target. A missile set on destruction or to jolt me awake. The jury is still out.

Speechless.

I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of you. Just like the first time. Consumed. An unholy fire. And I’ve been here before. And before. And before.

A funeral pyre. I look out the window and it burns and burns and burns. It’s so high. The highest I’ve ever seen. I wanted it to be a testament to you. To our love. To show the world that this, that we – were. I’m unsure if the smoke is stinging my eyes or if I’m simply still crying. I’m not sure that I’ll ever stop. How could I?

I lost my everything in you. My heart in all its vastness and possibilities, all its secret chambers that were for our spelunking alone is an echo chamber now. I chase around the corners trying to catch up with your voice, hoping it still lingers in a corner. Trapped in a crevice I rushed past too quickly in my flight to find you.

You can’t be gone. I’d waited my whole life – knowing you before I knew you. Each night I prayed for you, sent up gratitude for the man coming to share my life that I hadn’t encountered yet.

Which is why it can’t be over. This earthly experience can’t be so vengeful. Or can it? You’ve had your share and then some. Another reason why I’m overwhelmed when I look at you. How did you stay so good? Stardust. It’s what you’re made of and what you’ve returned to, time and time again. The celestial forge has gathered you. Sent you. Gathered you. Sent you. Gathered you.

And each gathering has compacted the essence, the learning, the empathetic and understanding heart. It’s in this Knowing that I can watch your pyre and not be engulfed.

Yes, my heart was broken. Yes.

And now when I look up into the sky and see a heavenly body plummeting, rocketing, burning up as it enters my consciousness I’m frightened. I’m just a human with a very fragile heart. How can I ever be prepared for the avalanche that is you?

How do we tell our story? How to convey something that in this incarnation was so brief? A something passing that was everything and then nothing again.

We were so young. I keep coming back to that. To my naivety. To my naivety. To your irresistible flame. To my naivety.

I have called you by many names. Patroclus. Hephaestion. Alexander. Yes, you are Alexander too.

I know you as I know myself and yet in each encounter I’m struck in awe. Awed in the vastness of your stardust that expands exponentially and beckons to be explored.

And so how do we begin a tale that has no nose and no tail? We find ourselves somewhere in the circle again with the choice to recognize its inevitability or deny it exists despite being the ones responsible for its creation. The pattern comes from us. A tapestry woven as vast as the jewelled night sky. Maybe it’s to catch each other? A net ready to safely welcome the heavenly body shuttling back home.

Xander. I’m frightened. Do I have the stamina and fortitude to encounter you again? Can we rush up this river of memory together and not be capsized? When the water is muddy.

Stand still child and it will run clear.

Family of persian king Darius before Alexander The Great and his friend Hephaestion after the Battle of Issus.  When Alexander the Great and Hephaestion (his closest friend) went together to visit the captured Persian royal family, Sisygambis knelt to Hephaestion to plead for their lives, mistaking him for Alexander — Hephaestion was the taller, and both young men were similarly dressed. When she realized her mistake, she was acutely embarrassed, but Alexander reassured her with the words, "You were not mistaken, Mother; this man too is Alexander.
Italian:  La famiglia di Dario davanti ad Alessandro
The Family of Darius before Alexander by Paolo Veronese (1570) in the National Gallery, London

When Alexander and Hephaestion went together to visit the captured Persian royal family, King Darius’s mother Sisygambis knelt to Hephaestion to plead for their lives, mistaking him for Alexander — Hephaestion was the taller, and both young men were similarly dressed. When she realized her mistake, she was acutely embarrassed, but Alexander reassured her with the words, “You were not mistaken, Mother; this man too is Alexander.

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Drag Heals – documentary miniseries

Beardoncé, a drag queen who has a beard and furry chest is wearing a pink and black dress, large gold hoop earrings and looks sickening.
Beardoncé, one of the participants of Drag Heals. 

Drag Heals is a documentary series that follows men who have never worn heels or make-up but have always dreamed of letting their inner drag queen out!   Drag Heals is a 10 week inner and outer personal journey coached by Tracey Erin Smith and Vicki Lix that culminates in a public show. 

Drag Heals will premiere on OUTtv Canada on Tuesday November 27 at 8pm.

My gift to you – get a month free of OUTtvGo.com You can watch our new documentary series Drag Heals and catch up on our other shows. Promocode: DRAGHEALS

Outside Canada? Watch on Vimeo

RuPaul brought Drag Raceinto the homes of millions and made the once taboo art form mainstream. This newfound renaissance has inspired a new generation to explore the art of drag and challenge the constructs of gender.

While RuPaul’s Drag Raceis a competition, Drag Heals is a documentary journey that follows men who have never worn heels or make-up but have always dreamed of letting their inner drag queen out!   

These men (and aspiring queens!) enter Canada’s first ever drag class to explore how to create a compelling drag persona based on personal experience.  For most, this is akin to a second coming out process.  The culmination of the Drag Heals workshops will be a public performance where they will face down their fears of stepping into the limelight. 

Drag is typically viewed from a distance; Drag Healsgives unparalleled access to the creation of a performance that is more than just your average lip synch.  The classes are structured so the men must reveal their true selves in preparation of their public performance.  In order to do it, they must be brave and vulnerable. 

As performance time draws near, the urgency to create a compelling piece forces our Queens to face down their nerves and personal demons in order to deliver a quality performance for people who have shelled out money to see just that.  

Deeply personal and raw, the Queens in Drag Heals tackle prickly issues like gender identity, mental illness, heartbreak and feminism to better understand themselves and their queer experience in an otherwise straight world.

Welcome to the new generation of drag.

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